Checking In
Wake Up and Smell the Malevolence
Fri Jul 11, 2:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: I'm engaged to a man I love ferociously. However, over the past four years his ex-girlfriend has caused a lot of trouble by attacking me verbally and also threatening me on three occasions. My fiance claims their relationship is almost familial since they've known each other since they were in diapers. But ... they have been intimate on two occasions. He failed to stop her attacks against me on all three occasions, but he does say each time that he will no longer talk to her until full apologies are made. Well, this is the fourth time -- still no apology to me -- and they have kissed and made up, so to speak, and now laugh on the phone together in front of me about how insecure I am. I am heartbroken that this close to our wedding he is still allowing this person to negatively affect us. I don't want to leave him, but I don't know whether there is any other answer. Am I wrong to ask him to cut her out of his life once and for all?
--- MAYBE THIS IS THE END
DEAR MAY: I suggest you invite your fiance to contemplate their third occasion for intimacy because you are calling the whole thing off. Any man who does not choose his fiancee over an old friend with a miserable temper is unacceptable in my book. The fact that they laugh about your insecurity is indefensible. I wouldn't even bother to give this man an ultimatum; I would simply tell him he doesn't measure up. This woman's dislike for you clearly suggests she has a thing for him -- so maybe they deserve each other. Don't look back, hon, and consider yourself lucky.
--- MARGO, DISGUSTEDLY
The Green-Eyed Monster Poisoned the Well
DEAR MARGO: I am 23 and last year found out that my best friend of 13 years has been in love with me throughout our whole friendship. At first I was shocked, but once I accepted him as a lover I realized how happy he makes me and how much I love him. He has a 5-year-old son from a previous relationship with whom I've always been close. The problem is, when we took our friendship to a romantic level, his son's mom found out and has been trying to sabotage things by telling her son horrible things about me. (This lady has some serious issues and takes a lot of drugs.) My boyfriend's parents have custody of the child and we're trying to get custody. Now the little boy barely speaks to me, and when he does it's never good. We finally asked why he was being mean to me, and he said his mother told him he's not allowed to love me. I'm at the point where I don't want to see the kid, which of course is causing problems between us. I'm really fed up and worried this will end our relationship. If there's one thing I want more than anything in the world, it's to have my own child. But I'm afraid his son will either try to hurt me while I'm pregnant or hurt our child after it's born. My boyfriend says I'm crazy for thinking this, but I think he's just blind to the situation.
--- SAD IN NEVADA
DEAR SAD: So you were 10 when this friend decided he loved you? Twelve years is a long time to secretly nourish a crush and parade around as a best friend, but onward. As for the little boy harming a potential fetus, or you, that fear is unrealistic. I have heard of sibling rivalry, but never a 5- or 6-year-old trying to off the father's significant other. In order to preserve your relationship, I would suggest a child specialist guide the grownups -- and the child -- through the swamp the natural mother has created.
--- MARGO, CORRECTIVELY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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