I've been divorced twice, and now I'm finally in a healthy relationship at 44. Here's how I shifted my view on dating.
At 40, I was divorced twice and struggling to understand where I went wrong.
I started to deprioritize dating and focused on things that made me happy.
Only then was I able to slowly build a healthy relationship with my current partner.
By the time I turned 40, I always thought I'd be settled into a cozy suburban home with a handsome husband and two kids. But that's not how my life turned out.
When I actually turned 40, I was reeling from the humiliation of two short marriages followed by divorce, no kids, and two ill-fated endings.
I recruited resources to help me get through the pain of divorce. I had a therapist, a dating coach, a yoga membership, and a routine cry on my best friend's couch, obsessing over what went wrong … again.
But it wasn't until I depriotized dating was I able to meet the person meant for me.
I originally took an aggressive dating approach
As someone who thrived in corporate marketing for decades, I attacked dating just like I did my day job — with a clear objective and strategy. Instead of enjoying life and letting someone naturally come into mine, I did the apps, hired matchmakers, and went on more dates than I can count. Thinking it was a "game of numbers," I perpetually dated.
In my aggressive approach, I missed the red flags waving me down with both of my ex-husbands. They were both essentially living double lives, but I didn't let myself see it.
Single, just before the 40th birthday party I was throwing for myself, I read a simple, yet powerful quote outside a bakery that changed the trajectory of my life. "Life is a balance of making it happen and letting it happen."
To some, this is obvious, but to the overly ambitious woman I was, it's what therapists sometimes call the breakthrough. I realized then that I had to stop trying so hard.
I focused on building my life outside dating
I gave myself a bit of breathing room — overdue by two decades. I became interested in what life might look like without the pressures I was putting on myself to ink a contrived ending to my story. I decided that if I was going to date, I would do it slowly. I was determined to avoid the same fate I endured after two failed marriages.
Ironically, knowing I wasn't going to jump into anything helped me feel like I actually had control over my own destiny.
One of the best things I did was fill my calendar with what I already loved doing. I then let dating be a secondary focus. After publishing my profile on a dating app, I turned off all notifications. I dedicated only 30 minutes total each day to logging in, reviewing messages, and responding. I had a full life and didn't want to be distracted.
While prospective matches poured in, I was out with friends, riding my bike on the Chicago lakefront, refurbishing furniture in the garage, and working on my novel. The brilliance of this strategy was that dating was a component of my dynamic lifestyle without dominating it.
In the past, I'd quickly fall into the routine of daily texting and seeing a new guy multiple times a week. But with my new approach, I purposefully took things slowly. When I went out with someone on a fabulous first date, I'd make myself wait a week for the next one.
I also paid more attention to how I felt as opposed to how the date was going. I was trying to get to know my dates, but it was a process of tuning into myself. When I caught myself staring longingly into someone's eyes, picturing how he'd look on our joint holiday card, I actively stopped the thought process. Journaling about my experiences and talking it through with my therapist helped, too.
The changes helped me build a healthy relationship
When I met my boyfriend for our first date, I went into it hoping to have a fun evening and nothing more. We went out once a week for the first month, then started talking more regularly in the second and third months before officially committing to an exclusive relationship.
As I got to know him, I realized that I actually gave myself the time to experience his life in a way I simply never could with previous rushed courtships. I understood how he managed his time. I felt the warmth in his voice when he described his parents' relationship for the fourth and seventh time over the course of our courtship. I was able to inquire about his ex-wife on dates two and twelve, knowing the answer would be deeper once we developed a level of trust.
As I realized the energy I put into dating was actually in service of understanding myself, I felt empowered to finally pick the right person. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now.
At age 44, I certainly wish I had met him sooner in life, but I wouldn't trade the lessons I learned along the way for anything. It's a better ending than I could have written myself.
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